Is there such a thing as post PTSD? Part 1

      Though this is a blog---it will be written in drafts---and kept there until such a time as I feel that it might be useful.  Or until such a time as I feel like I have accepted all of the parts of myself enough to be able to even attempt to be useful to anyone who finds themselves in the same or similar situations.  I so badly want to be useful.  I think---if bad things have to happen to us (as they happen to everyone at some point or other)----I want to claim that promise that you find all throughout God's word that says that even the bad things can be turned for good.  I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to claim that promise---I think maybe it is wrong when we try too hard to make that promise true through our own works.  I say "we."  That is a cowardly way to go about it.  I think it is wrong when I try too hard to make God's promise clear and apparent in my life---as if my actions or inaction somehow has any power  whatsoever to make something that is already true---true.  God can and will take evil and bring out of it ---goodness.  He can take the evil that is perpetrated against me---and He can take the evil in my own heart---and deal with that as well.  Maybe it is harder to think about the second kind---but thank God the second application is true as well. Whether or not I am permitted to see or understand that goodness this side of heaven---I do not know.  And if my faith were perfect---I would say---I do not care.  It is enough to know that it is true.  My faith is not perfect---and I understand the people who built the Tower of Babel---wanting so badly to prove that they could forge their own way into the heavens.  It is a very human thing--I think--to want to prove yourself.  And then I think that wish to prove yourself goes into overdrive if you experience something traumatic in your life that you can't make sense of.  You want to prove---a bad thing happened to me---I am not the bad thing---look---I can overcome it perfectly---I can take the bad thing that happened to me and I can find a way to bring forth something good.  Is that problematic?  I think in some ways it is indicative of the fact that we are image bearers of God---we want to be able to find the good even when everything is terrible.  Maybe that in itself isn't the problem---but the problem is when I (I have to stop talking in we's) start to lose my sense of worth when I realize---I can't handle this perfectly.  I don't feel that I have anything good in me in this moment.  I do feel that evil has overcome me---and not the other way around.   When those thoughts and feelings start to consume me---then I am right back at the Tower of Babel---trying to forge my way into heaven out of sheer force of will.  And not trusting that---God can and does meet me in my weaknesses.  And cover me with the sacrifice that He already made.  Because when I am so busy trying to prove that I am not weak---God is simultaneously trying to show me that the only way to Him is through the acceptance of Christ----and how can you accept the gift of Christ if you never admit that you can't build your own ladder to heaven?  How can you accept any gift of any kind if you never look at your hands and find them empty---or see that you have a need that is deeply rooted in your heart that can never be met outside of divine intervention.   So God knocks down my towers as easily as I can knock down a house of cards.  Because while I might think that my towers are stable---work hard---try hard---be positive---be grateful---when you feel sad think about people who have been through worse and then shame yourself into not feeling sad----really my towers are bullshit---and no more stable than the cards precariously stacked at the edge of the table.  So---I should pray---knock them down, God.  Anything---if I can learn to just depend on You and to love you for who You are---and accept the identity that you give me when You cover me in Christ.  No--I haven't learned to pray that prayer from my whole heart.  It is a scary prayer.  But I can pray---Not my will---but Yours.   Though that also, is a scary prayer and one that---if I think too hard about its implications---I may be tempted not to say it.   I can pray---I believe---help my unbelief.  That one feels doable.  And I do know---God can meet me there, at least for the time being.  And I can remind myself---or allow myself to be reminded---God knocks down my towers---because He offers something immeasurably better.  And as many times as I might tell myself---I don't deserve the "something better"---He says---No one deserves the "something better"---but I want to give it to you regardless---and I will knock down every substitution you try out---until finally---maybe---you come to me with empty hands and a receptive heart.  

   Today---who am I?  Today, I am the mother who walked through the woods with her daughter and listened to her as she talked about what she loves---who she loves---and what she hopes will happen.  Today, I am the woman in the grocery store crying for no reason whatsoever----because that happens sometimes with PTSD.  It's a thing that happens.  Simple things can become overwhelming.  Today, I am the woman who ran into an older lady who used to work at our school---who now works only at Kroger.  I am a person she feels comfortable talking to---about the loss of her husband and what that's been like for her.  Today---I am a person who can hold space for that moment----as I have many times before.  And I am a person who can feel grateful that she feels comfortable enough to talk to me while she's laying out sweet potatoes and brown sugar across the conveyer belt.  Today, I am the person who spent two hours of the afternoon in bed---just sleeping.  I am the person who told herself:  "You have one child---You have a week off---you have a million things to do---get out of bed---be present."  But I still slept.  Today, I am the person who doesn't know if that's ok or not.  Sometimes---I think---when you are that tired---your body is telling you---Rest---so rest.  And sometimes I think----other people don't sleep for 2 hours in the afternoon, do they?  Or maybe they do.  Should they?  Should I?  Today---I am still the person who hears horrible things repeated over and over again in her brain at random moments.  Old words.  Hurtful words. I try to muffle them out with music.  Or with scripture.  Or with prayer.  And I find comfort in all of these things----but the struggle to drown out the old words is always there.  

    Today---I am the woman mourning one more lost pregnancy.  I am the woman who recognizes that another baby during this time frame would probably have been really rough.  I am the woman who knew the first time the stick showed the two lines that this would probably not last.  And I am also the woman who couldn't help holding out some small amount of hope---that maybe---maybe this time---the pregnancy would stick and Miriam wouldn't be an only child anymore.  I am the woman too cowardly to tell her own husband she was pregnant.  Because I knew he would tell me---in kindness---"You know that this most likely won't last."  And even while I told myself the same thing---for some reason---I couldn't bear hearing him say it too.  And I couldn't bear for him to find some small piece of hope that it might be different only for it to end the way it always ends.  

Today---I am the woman who saw the deer in the forest and felt joy in their presence.  Today, I am the woman who cuddled with the dog on the couch----who listened to Miriam explain her favorite video game---who watched ducks on the water all at the same moment take off together.  I am the woman who found space for gratitude.  And it was real and heartfelt. And at the same time, I am the person who felt deeply broken---I heard the voices in my brain today---the way I hear them most days.  Degrading things.  Words meant to humiliate and shame.  Words that were delivered with the intent to cause pain---and they did---long, long after the occasion has past.  And at the same time---I am the person here---who knows what's really true.  My Jesus is true.  He is who He says He is.  He loves the way He says He does.  He did what the Bible says He did.  And I am the person with empty hands---lying at His feet.  Let me rest here tonight---and every night.  

I wonder who you are.  Are you someone who has been through similar things as I have been through?  Are you a mother? A wife?  Are you still in the direct aftermath of whatever your "terrible thing" is?  Did you tell anyone about the terrible thing?  Or did you shove it down deep---and pretend it never happened?  Did you try to tell someone about the terrible thing and they didn't believe you? Have you heard the words: "It couldn't have happened that way?"  Or---"Maybe if you had_____---the terrible thing wouldn't have happened to you.."

 Have I seen you in the facebook groups---asking for help or for prayer?  Have you offered prayer on my behalf as I have offered prayer on your behalf?  Because we know---that no matter how isolated we may feel if we are....I struggle here---do I call us victims of rape?  I hate the word victim.  But we were victimized---weren't we---if rape is your terrible thing?  I have seen the groups that call us---warriors.  I don't feel like a warrior.  Just a person---trying to heal.  I have read the books that call us sisters---I like that better.  I'll call you sister.  No matter how isolated we feel---we know we have a million sisters---who have been through the same things we have been through.  We know this---intellectually----but emotionally---we feel alone.  I see that I am not alone in feeling this way when I read the posts that echo my own thoughts in the online support groups.  Maybe you go there too---because you need to be reminded---you aren't alone.  

How many different worlds do you walk through in a single day?  The world of your family? The world of your career?  The world of the present?  And the world of the past.  Because PTSD doesn't let the past stay in the past.  It doesn't matter how badly you want to take the advice of well meaning people who say:  "Leave the past in the past"---your brain isn't physically capable of doing that.  I say I am writing because I want to be helpful.  How can I be helpful here?  I can tell you the things I take comfort in when I am hurting.  Maybe you can take comfort in them too.  

Do you ever think about the way an eternal God perceives time? I think---He doesn't see it the same as a neurotypical person.  I think---moments are eternal in His sight.  The good---the bad---the terrible---the unjust--the glorious--- I think He feels it no less acutely if it happened a minute ago or if it happened a year ago.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Who can see the ways of God---but I think I can say without too much doubt that an infinite God doesn't perceive time the same as any finite person.  And when I think about these things---I feel a very strong assurance---God understands.  When something old causes pain and torment---God understands.  He doesn't tell you:  "Don't feel the way you feel."  He tells you:  "I am here with you in the sorrow---in the fear----in the darkness."  Have you ever had the sense that He was sitting on the bed next to you---a hand on your forehead---or arms around you when you've curled into a ball to hide from the swirling memories that seem to encompass you so completely that you don't know where you are?  I hope you have.  It doesn't always happen.  Sometimes I feel cut off from God.  And sometimes I feel Him there---so real that I could never look back on those moments and say---no that wasn't real.  Those times---when the curtain is drawn back between the smaller reality and the larger reality---I could never deny that what happened in those times was not real.  I hope you have moments like this too.  When you are hurting---when you feel like leaving----(if you have ever felt like leaving---I don't mean to assume)--I hope you can hold onto those moments when you sensed the larger reality---the loving presence of an infinite God.

December 2022

Isn't it strange that at the same time as God is eternal---sees everything---knows everything---He is able to separate us from our own sins "as far as the east is from the west?"  Do you think He forgets our sins when we are covered in the blood of Christ?  Or just removes us from them?  I don't know---but I think he remembers---our own sins and the sins of others---and I think even as He remembers---even as I believe He can feel hurt and sorrow when we sin----He is able to separate us from our sin through the atoning work of Christ.  I think---when He looks at us---He sees a beloved son or daughter---perfect---unblemished---unbroken---reflecting His own light back to Him without any sign of sin.  But I don't think He forgets the sin---I think in the end---He destroys it---in the only way that He can destroy it without destroying us.   That is what I think about at Christmas.  Why did God come down?  Why did He come down knowing that He would suffer---knowing that He would experience death.  I tell Miriam it was a rescue mission.  And when we light the advent candle each night---we try to remember---Jesus left heaven for us.  And came down---not as a great king---but as a helpless baby---and at the same time, as the Savior of the world.   We sing about men in red suits and Rudolph too---but really---what can compare to Christ?

     I think about these things as someone who has difficulty forgetting things that are long over.  Maybe you have trouble with that too.  Maybe you've felt guilt over that too.  I've told myself---being unable to forget is a sign that you are unable to forgive---and if you cannot forgive---this is why you are chained to something terrible that happened to you.  Why---something that is over and done with---sometimes still has a hold on your life....But, walking through this---I'd say today in December of 2022 (perhaps I will think differently in a year or 2 or 5)---I don't think it ever says in the Bible "Forgive and forget."  It only says "Forgive."  Pray that the person who sinned against you can be separated from his/her sin.  And know that the sin itself will be destroyed.  It's hard though, isn't it?  With rape--it's personal.  Hard to see the sin as separate from the person who did that to you.  Maybe not possible---because we aren't God.  Nowhere close.  Maybe we don't have to do that----maybe we just have to forgive.  Maybe again---we just have to come to a place where we say to God---"I'm trying.  Meet me here.  Give me the strength I lack."  Open hands.  And let's say that we do forgive.  We know without a doubt that we have forgiven the person or people who have hurt us.  Then, are we cured of our PTSD?  If you have PTSD too?  Are we promised---that if we do the right thing---the good thing---the thing that is most like God---that we are healed completely of anything?  No.  Not this side of heaven.  I don't know about you---but in some ways that is a comfort to me.  Because I have thought---maybe you have thought too---if I really belonged to Christ---I wouldn't have this affliction.  But, that's not Biblical.  At all.  Which apostle whose name started with a P (I get them mixed up)---asked God to take the thorn from His side 3 times.  And God never took it away.  You know what I think is Biblical?  Knowing that it might never go away----knowing that some things never heal over---and having peace anyhow.  Those moments where you just know---things aren't right in this time---in this place.  But one day---because of God---because of Jesus---they will be.  

    I think about these things as someone who has sinned also.  I have read before that "An abnormal reaction to an abnormal circumstance is a normal reaction."  While that may be true---I know what sin is.  I know right from wrong.  And I know I'd like to gloss over parts of my life and say that I never lashed out  ---I never did anything that would be considered strange or deviant either.  I don't know---it's hard here.  Because did you struggle with any of these things too?  Did you want to find a way to take control yourself---when really---you should have been giving control to God?  Did you hurt yourself?  Because you felt like---something has to give here?  And you didn't want to admit to anyone else what had happened.  Because---you tried that already---and they made you feel more dirty---more ashamed?  I think about these things as a person who wants to be separated from her own sin---even as I have difficulty in separating people who raped me from their sin.  Empty hands.  I want to address you as sister again here---because I bet you have felt like you have empty hands many times also.  And I want to tell you what I needed to hear---what I still need to be reminded of---You may feel broken---You aren't broken in Christ---You may have done things you wish you hadn't---when God looks at you---He doesn't see the things you have done---He sees His Beloved in Christ---You may think God was punishing you by allowing something terrible to happen to you---He wasn't.  Evil exists.  God allows it to exist.  And I think---if He didn't---if He destroyed it at the wrong time---He'd destroy people along with it that He doesn't want to destroy.  I think any of my attempts to understand the why behind the things that happen fall short.  But I think I can say with a good deal of assurance---If God did everything He says He did in order to separate you from your sin---He isn't in the business of punishing you for it.  It wasn't your fault.  Maybe you feel like you made poor decisions---or your judgment was off---or "If I had______" or "If I hadn't________"----things would be different.  Let that go.  It isn't true.  The person or people who raped you are accountable for their actions.  Not you.  Tell yourself that as many times as you need to so that you can believe it.  

I wonder---do you have problems when you are confronted with circumstances that remind you of terrible things?  Books will call these problems triggers---I don't really like that word though.  I think I've heard it used facetiously too many times---and I worry that if I say:  "This is a trigger---or that is a trigger"---I'll be labeled as an overly sensitive person.  Which maybe I am----but I try to keep a lid on that.  You know, I read all the books.  I was bound and determined---I am going to get rid of this thing.  I am not going to be a person who is controlled by the past.  I worked hard.  I prayed harder.  I did all the things.  Medication.  Hard conversations in therapy.  Education.  And I read about people who got better.  I waited to get better too.  It wasn't really waiting though---I worked to get better.  Here's what I think I needed to read or hear during that time---I'm not all the way better.  But I am better.  And I'm ok if I have bad moments or bad days or bad weeks.  It is possible to live with this thing (and please understand---I know there are far worse things to live with---but I can only speak for what I've experienced---and from what I've experienced---if you live with this thing too---then you might need to hear this as well)----and be ok.  The first time one of the more intense flashbacks found me----and I was actually able to ground myself and come back before it took me too far down the wormhole---that was a good moment.  I can find peace in that.  And sometimes things that seemed impossible to accomplish before---seem more possible now.  I don't like crowds.  I'm sure you have your own thing that can set you off.  Last year--I bought tickets to take my family to see the lights at the gardens---which is one of my favorite holiday events.  And then---I couldn't go.  Because that was a day I couldn't do the crowd thing.  A week or so later though---I was able to go with family to see the lights at the zoo---and I did just fine.  And this year----we were able to walk through the gardens together without issue.  And there is joy in that.  I know it isn't perfect.  But nothing is.  I guess what I want to tell you is that if you ever feel like you're in the middle of something that is just never-ending---it's because---you are.  Stop looking for the end.  You are part of an infinite story.  You are part of God's plan.  And if you read all the books and do all the things---and you find---I still have issues with things that I wish I didn't have issues with---it's ok.  You don't have to be all the way better to have peace.  You don't have to be all the way better to have joy.  You don't have to be all the way better to feel gratitude.  And you don't have to be all the way better to be safe.  Take the medication---do the therapy---read the books---pray the prayers---and then accept yourself when and if you find that for you---for whatever reason---genes or your specific experiences---environmental factors---whatever---PTSD is a thing you just have to live with most days.  It's a thing that isn't going away completely.  The books will tell you---look for the positives that emerge from this.  Don't dismiss that as trite too quickly.  Because if you look for the positives---you will be able to find them.  Maybe you find that you are more compassionate than you were before.  Maybe you find that there's someone like you that crosses your path---and you can hold their hand the way someone held your hand when you were crashing through full blown PTSD.  Or maybe no one held your hand while you were crashing through full blown PTSD---maybe you didn't meet that person who understood you when you said: "It feels like this terrible thing is happening over and over again..."  I had someone who'd been through it hold me and say "Jesus, Jesus" over me.  I hope you do too---if that's where you are.   But if not---maybe you will be that person for someone else.  There are plenty of negatives.  And I don't want to dismiss those---or trivialize them.  But I want to tell you---that there is something very powerful about having those days when you want to jump out of your skin and your head feels like it will explode from the pressure----and then still finding those little moments where God's quiet, still voice speaks to you---where you fight to hear it----where you might go long stretches of time without hearing it and you crave it---and you intentionally reach out to God---where you fight for gratitude.  When you crash and burn---and God still meets you.  And He will.  There's something inside you that stretches a little bit when you find that over and over again---your hands are empty---your efforts aren't enough----you feel that you can contribute very little good to anything or anyone----and God shows you---you never had to be enough.  You never had to bring Him anything---just your heart.  And even that---He's the one that fights for that.  Please, please----consider the kind of love He has for you.  Or you may find that you cannot help considering the kind of love He has for you----because when He sits with you---at that place where you find nothing good inside of you at all---and then you have this moment---maybe it's only a second---of fullness---of the sense that you are being poured into---of that infinite God loving you with a fierce kind of love---you won't be able to dismiss it.  When you go from rock bottom to a peace that is not of your own making---you will know it.  And you will know it more deeply than you would have been capable of---if you didn't already have a few places carved out of your heart to make space for it.   This is what I needed to hear---so I hope it helps you.  I hope you know---you can be hurting and have peace at the same time.  You don't have to be healed completely to feel whole in Christ.  Just go to Him---over and over and over again---do not pretend that you can bring Him anything.  Or you can do that if you need to---but then---I wouldn't be too surprised if He shows you---"I don't want anything you can do for Me---I only want your heart."  You're going to be ok.  If your process doesn't look like someone else's process---you are going to be ok.  If you sin in response to the way you see the world----yes---confess and repent.  But then know---you are separated from that sin if you are in Christ.  You are the Beloved of God.  Rest there.